Through my parallel process of this Strength/Lustre year, I have been exploring my mind/body/spirit to see where I can more finely tune my inner experience to be living from my own philosophy. I texted my sister with some thoughts that have been heavy on my heart through this process, and she responded, “You need to read this awesome blog, embody yourself. The author is so wise.” She reminded me to tune in again to my inner wisdom. I’m left with a question that my clients often ask me… Why is our own inner wisdom so hard to hear?

I know for me this challenge – to hear and heed my own inner wisdom – is impeded by old and stale false beliefs of self-doubt. My self-doubt stems from believing my power is drained by my emotional/intuitive/sensitive nature. Here again are the feminine archetypal qualities that I champion and channel into my work- and then in my inner work must champion in myself over and over again so that I don’t take the self-doubt out on my body/spirit.

If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, then my thoughts, the actions they lead to, and wondering why I still feel stuck in this self-doubt will definitely make me crazy. When I catch myself falling back into the old false belief system, I have an opportunity to practice what I preach. I love to quote Bob Marley to my clients: “Emancipate yourself from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds.” We must question our inner authority – freeing our minds requires questioning the beliefs from which we are living.  (thank you, Geneen Roth) When I can use my inner wisdom to compassionately witness this negative mental process, I become angry at all the reasons this belief was formed in my mind. And anger brings energy that can be channeled into change. I am tired of draining my energy through this self-doubting… I know my power can be fully claimed so that I can be effective and authentic in my life and my work.

My Aunt Karen gave me her Couch to 5K update after the last post… couch. You can do this program, Karen! Just download the podcasts and away you go.

Summer breeze makes me feel fine. 5K therapy is the best.

On May 15th, we celebrated my older sister Katie’s 39th birthday by running a 5k. My sisters Katie and Becky ran together up front and were my inspiration and cheerleaders. So strong and amazing. My dad and my husband, Kelly, joined me for the run/walk series, complete with Kelly pushing our 9 month old Joseph in the jog stroller. Becky, Kelly and Joseph will join me June 19th for the culmination couch to 5K run. I am excited already!

The kissmyblackass.org running podcasts have been essential in the training process. The rhythm and beat of the music have helped me get my body in motion, even on days like today where I felt heavy and low energy. The music styles have expanded from the Hip Hop selections of the first few weeks. However, those Hip Hop days were my favorite runs. Don’t get me wrong, I can appreciate 80′s music and the Teen Pop mix, but these styles don’t have the same propelling effect as the down and dirty Hip Hop grooves.

During week 3 I had an interesting experience with one of the song choices… You’s A Ho by Ludacris. I gotta say, the chorus has a catchy tune. It really sounds to me like it could be a theme from a classical dirge. And it gets stuck in your head. I found myself spontaneously singing it at work… “You’s a ho. You’s a ho. You’s a ho. I said that you’s a ho.” I started to realize what a crazy message this was to have stuck in my head. I had a revelation about negative self-talk: the way it is similar to having headphones in your ear playing a tune over and over again. I tried to explain this metaphor to a client, using the example of hearing “You’s a ho!” over and over in my head, encouraging her to take off the headphones of the current negative self-talk and replace it with a new message. I thought it was a brilliant metaphor until she told me upon her graduation from Tapestry that her most memorable individual session was when I called her a Ho.

I feel inspired to create my own Couch to 5k running podcasts, using music choices that inspire and empower women. My hope is that the songs supporting the runs would leave catchy choruses with positive messages stuck in your head. This will be an ongoing project, as I know it will be challenging to find time with everything else I am balancing in my life at the moment. The Embody Yourself Couch to 5k running podcasts… if you have song ideas, please comment!

With my first career path in Music Therapy, I understand the benefits of music in the development of my child. Recently, I have been reflecting on the connection between music and my current passion of embodiment. Making music engages and enlivens all of the senses which brings a person fully into their body in the present moment. I am realizing that through this Music Together experience I have also been sharing the joy of embodiment with my baby.

Music Together is a national program and I highly recommend it to any one interested in sharing music and embodiment with their child. Here in Asheville we have an amazing resource through Asheville Area Music Together.

Hopefully Joey and I will see you in class!

My previous Maya Rides Away partner in music, Leah Joy, is making music for children with her husband. I love this song, Music Baby, and the music video they created for it:

And if you are wondering about the current music creations of the other half of Maya Rides Away… well, I am making music for children, too… (My former percussion professor, Mr. Wojtera, would be so proud!)

maiden

mother

crone

Joseph lasted 25 minutes in child care before they had to come and get me… which got me through all of the running part of the podcast, then left my 5 minute cool down for the trip down the stairs from the track to the child care room. After going on lots of walks/hikes, getting in the occasional yoga practice and doing some weight lifting up in my office since having my baby, I decided I needed help with child care in order to commit to starting back to my personal reclaiming beauty movement practice. Yay for the Y! This mama is back in business… It feels so good to move my body. Don’t think I could have done the running today without the hip-hop inspiration from Suz. Charlotte got low low low low low low low low…

As a movement incentive, my older sister Katie signed me up for the Ramblin’ Rose Triathlon in Charlotte in September. The Ramblin’ Rose triathlon is a women-only event intended to inspire and empower women. This event gives me a goal to work towards as I get back into Strength/Lustre through my healthy body practices. The key for me now that I’m a mama is short and sweet practices and, of course, child care. Yay for the Y! (Did I say that already?)

When the Reclaiming Beauty Project starts this Fall, I want to be practicing what I preach. So, off I go… My first goal in preparing for the Ramblin’ Rose is to do the couch to 5k program 3 times a week. It is a 9 week program, so we’ll see if I’m up for adding more goals before then. It is really all about how Joseph acclimates to the child care.

Check out the Ramblin’ Rose events: http://www.ramblinroseevents.com/

And the Couch to 5k running program: http://www.coolrunning.com/engine/2/2_3/181.shtml

And of course, Suz’s Couch to 5k running podcasts: http://www.kissmyblackass.org/?page_id=86

i heart the Y

Oooooohhhh! Sounds juicy. As I have been sitting with this symbol, I have noticed many synchronicities with the current developments in my life.  Of course the first obvious one is spending time with important Leo people… my little baby, Joseph, is already quite the expressive Leo. I also have found a fulfilling creative synthesis of my interests and skills in motherhood and in my work as a counselor. I feel renewed inspiration to bring to fruition some of the creative projects that have been percolating in my mind the past few years. And this inspiration has been fueled by the opportunity to collaborate with some creative and passionate people.

So, what does this all mean… It is very likely that this will be the year the Reclaiming Beauty Project becomes more than just a notebook in my office!

The work of the Strength/ Lustre card centers on the archetype of Beauty and the Beast. It reminds us to use our beauty- our unique gifts, talents and resources- to tame and reign the beasts within our nature. I can’t help but get excited about how this card reflects my ideas for the Reclaiming Beauty Project. One of the project’s intentions is to broaden participants’ definition of beauty to include themselves. We will do this by challenging our culture’s narrow definition of beauty and connecting participants to their inner uniqueness. The beast of negative body image and low self-image will be tamed by the participants’ own beauty.

Another aspect of this journey is Strength. Arrien states, “We cannot be in our lustre, our radiance, if we are not also in our strength.”  At the heart of the Reclaiming Beauty Project is the belief that joyful, positive experiences in our body give us direct access to our Self. Embodied movement is incorporated into each session with the hopes that participants will develop a personal practice of movement in their life. Strengthening our relationship to our body, we strengthen our relationship to our life. And then we shine, shine, shine…

With it being my Strength/Lustre year, I imagine I will be having a parallel process of Reclaiming Beauty in my life. I am excited to see what is in store for me… what beasts will be tamed. Of course, knowing me, I do like to keep a few untamed beasts around…

For the project, I will be partnering with the inspired Katherine Dowdney of Blissful Body. We hope to start the first group of women on this journey in the spring. Stay tuned for further developments and information on how you can be involved.

Shine on!

There is nothing like birthing to bring a woman into full embodiment of herself…

Enjoy!

Joseph Kilen Houser

Birth Story

August 9, 2009

11:32pm

7lbs 10oz 20 inches

As we prepared for the birth of our son, we had lots of hopes and fears about what birth would be like. Right from the beginning of my pregnancy, I had to accept the fact that the birthing wouldn’t be the at-home-water-birth-attended-by- a-midwife that I imagined. At our first appointment with the midwife, we were quickly labeled high-risk, thanks to a previous surgery to remove an extra ureter and high blood pressure history. We found the OBs at MAHEC thanks to a referral from a friend, and they were an awesome combination of medical with Asheville-mindedness.

One thing I was sure of… I welcomed the experience of laboring. I have witnessed several women in my circle completely transform after their experience of laboring into motherhood. I wanted that ritual, that feeling of breaking down the old Heidi to prepare the ground for mama Heidi, working with my husband by my side to bring our dream into the world. I wanted to cross over to the other side and be able to say “I birthed!” ~ no matter what the birthing looked like. I wanted to know I was that strong.

To prepare for childbirth, Kelly and I had taken the Bradley Method childbirth classes with Susan Mooney in Fairview. These classes were fun and very informational. They gave us the information we needed to confidently navigate all of the decision points along the birth process; the first decision being whether or not to be induced. This decision was tricky because at 32 weeks, I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes. I had made the appropriate changes to my pregnancy diet, was taking a small dose of glyburide daily and was having weekly non-stress tests to monitor the growth and well-being of the baby. Because of this diagnosis, the doctor was concerned about letting us go too far past Joseph’s due date of August 1st. We had learned in the Bradley class that the average first pregnancy lasts 41 weeks and 1 day, and that inducing labor before the baby was ready to come into the world often led down a slippery slope that could end in a c-section. For this reason, when our OB started recommending induction, we continued to ask her for a little more time.

We tried all of the recommended natural induction techniques… lots of walking, swimming at our friends’ Patrick and Sandi’s pool, spicy food, sex and of course, castor oil. On Monday, August 3rd, we had an appointment with our OB, Dr. Currens, and she hesitantly let us leave without taking her induction recommendation. She stated that medically she would strongly recommend us to go in for an induction, but she understood from our birth plan our desire to have labor start naturally, and was honoring this choice. We returned on Thursday, August 6th, our 4th anniversary, and the OB noted that my blood pressure had been creeping up. She was concerned about possible development of preclampsia, and again strongly recommended induction. She agreed to give us over the weekend, IF we would do a non-stress test, an ultrasound and a 24 hour urine test to check for signs of preclampsia. We “passed” the non-stress test and the ultrasound, and left with the gallon jug for urine collection. That night we went out to eat for our anniversary at Pomodoro’s with Kelly’s parents. Kelly was born on his parent’s anniversary, so we thought this might be good encouragement for the baby to come that night, but no luck.

On Friday, August 7th, we went in to drop off the jug-o-pee. They sprang another blood pressure check and non-stress test on us and stated they would call us with the results of the 24 hour urine test. It was obvious that the pressure was on, so that night I attempted the grand castor oil cocktail induction recommendation we had from Susan Mooney. This procedure involved taking a concoction of 2 ounces of castor oil, 2 ounces of vodka and 2 ounces of orange juice. After shooting this down, I was to take a hot shower, and then repeat this process every hour for 2 more times. Susan said if it didn’t work after the 3rd time, it was a sign my body was still not ready for labor. I will spare the details about the effects of the castor oil… but despite this grand effort, I did not go into labor that night.

The next morning the 24 hour urine test came back that I had developed preclampsia, and all of a sudden it was urgent for us to get the baby into the world. Kelly and I packed our bags, had brunch at the Sugarbeet Café (our last meal out without a baby in tow), then headed to the hospital. We made the highly anticipated call to my older sister, Katie, who was our doula, and to our excitedly a-waiting families in Chapel Hill, Charlotte and Knoxville. Katie arrived to the hospital just a little after we did, and we sent her to Greenlife to get us some contraband snacks.

We were induced with pitocin on Saturday August 8th at 2:30PM. During this beginning stage, Kelly and I made lots of rounds walking the hospital. We were excited, joking around, and even convinced our first nurse, Liz, that we were going to name our baby Turd Ferguson (from a Best of Mike Myers SNL skit we watched the night before). It took awhile for the contractions to get going. When the pitocin finally kicked in and the contractions started, not much movement happened. Upon checking my cervix, I had only dilated 1 cm.  It was discovered that I had cervical scar tissue that was preventing me from dilating. Our night nurse, Amy, went to search out a Foley bulb, which is a device used to manually expand the cervix. At this point, the contractions started to become pretty painful. Around 5am, I got to go into the birthing tub for about 1 1/2 hours. That was one of the best parts of laboring because the pain was much more manageable in the tub and I was able to really go with the rhythm of the contractions. I closed my eyes when the contractions came and just let them wash over me. I could have stayed in the tub the whole labor if they had let me.

But being in the hot water shot my pressure up even more, and the baby’s too. At this point, which was about 7am in the morning Sunday August 9th, I still had only dilated 1 cm.  The doctor put me on magnesium for my blood pressure, which I was very resistant to because I knew it would make me feel even worse. The doctor explained that she didn’t feel comfortable letting us labor too much longer, but I knew that my body was just not ready to open up. We told her we were afraid that if we did an epidural too early, it could stall the already slow labor and lead to a c-section. We felt it was a timing issue. She explained that due to the blood pressure issues, we were already on limited time until a c-section would be necessary.

She left to let us continue laboring and contemplate our choices. At this point I was having back labor, which was crazy painful. This part of the labor was the most challenging for me. Every time a contraction came, I leaned over and moaned “this is not what I wanted” while Katie and Kelly put pressure on my back. Our nurse during this time, Rachel, was a god send.  I felt like she came to us right from the pages of Anita Diamant’s novel “The Red Tent.” Having her and Katie by my side helped me cope with the pain and accept the direction the labor was going.

This was the pivotal moment because I felt like we had the information we needed that prevented us from having a c-section. I continued to measure only 1 cm of dilation. We thought an epidural at this time would help my body relax and hopefully help the laboring more effectively open my cervix. Despite our hopes and preparation for having a natural childbirth, choosing to have an epidural at that moment was the right decision for us.

We summoned the Nurse Anesthetist for the epidural. Despite the pain, I was with it enough to recognize that the Nurse Anesthetist was a hottie, and wondered if I could set him up with my sister, Katie, before I noticed his wedding ring. Katie was asking him a lot of detailed questions about the procedure, which was making me cringe. I had to ask them to stop being so specific about what was going on in my back. The epidural relaxed me so they could go in and break-up the scar tissue. After that procedure, I was able to get a little sleep. From there I dilated pretty smoothly and was able to start pushing around 8:30pm.

During the pushing stage I felt strong and very in tune with my body. The physical structure of the pushing sensation felt just like doing cat/cow in yoga, curling my tailbone around the push. Because I had the epidural, I didn’t have much sensation in my legs, so Kelly had one leg and Katie had the other. Kelly was a rock star during this part of the labor. He was so supportive; encouraging me and cheering me on. Our nurse at this point, Brandy, sat at the end of the table like a catcher in a softball game. She was very experienced, maybe a little too complacent in her role. She kept taking cell phone calls from her kids and at one point I told Katie to ask her to take her phone calls outside of the hospital room. She left the room and came back in, checked our progress and said there didn’t seem to be enough movement for how long we had been pushing and that she was going to tell the doctor.

She left to find a doctor, and I was glad she was gone. I felt confident that this baby was coming out though the birth canal, and in my mind there was no room in that hospital room for anyone who doubted me. In spite of a lifetime of self-doubt, in this moment, after all we had been through in the labor, I felt so confident in my body and in my self. And I felt unstoppable with my kick ass support team of my husband and my sister at my side.

A doctor eventually came in, one of the MAHEC residents, and she was able to guide us through the final stage. The excitement built as the baby’s head made small movements with each push ~ 2 steps forward and 1 step back. Kelly started getting really excited when he saw the crown of the head, and he helped me reach my hand down so that I could feel the head as it peeked out. This action helped encourage me to keep up the intensity of the pushing. I felt fortunate that I could still experience the sensations of the baby coming through the birth canal despite the epidural. Joseph finally made his appearance Sunday night, August 9th, at 11:32pm. Kelly got to cut the cord and I got to hold my sweet baby right away (after he was cleared by the neonatal nurses). Overall the labor was 33 hours.

Those first few moments holding our beautiful baby boy in my arms was an indescribable feeling.

Love. Amazement. Exhaustion. Happiness.

You see, I have boob issues. There is a hilarious song by Deirdre Flint called “The Boob Fairy.” She sings in the chorus, “The boob fairy never came for me.” But I fall into a different category… the boob fairy was obsessed with me! My husband says that the only person who cares how big my boobs are is me. And in a lot of ways, I know that this is true. However, I do have memories and experiences that prove otherwise.

I first started realizing my breasts were bigger than the norm my senior year of high school. I remember going shopping for prom dresses with my younger sister, and her comment that most of the dresses made me look as if the weight of my boobs would take me over flat on my face. My time for running a mile in soccer practice changed drastically that year; I could not break 8 minutes, where as the year before I had been running it in 6 minutes 30 seconds. I blamed it on my boobs. And playing co-ed softball… a friend let me in on a humiliating secret that the boys always let me get that first hit so they could see me run to first base. Huhhmmmmmpppffff… At that time I also started to encounter some of the big breasted women stereotypes like “the bigger the boobs the smaller the brain” and assumptions about big breasted women being easy.

My breasts got bigger and bigger and with every life transition it seemed I would go up a cup size. I first considered breast reduction surgery in college. My parents had purchased US savings bonds for my sisters and me and we were allowed to use the money for whatever we wanted once we hit college age. I contemplated using the money for breast reduction surgery. But Lacala Hall, a friend’s wise mother who was a big breasted woman herself, pulled me aside one afternoon and gave me some good advice. She said, “Someday, Heidi, you will find a man who will love your big breasts.” That advice helped me make the decision to use the money for an Outward Bound trip rather than a breast reduction surgery, which was a much better choice for the positive experience of self that I was seeking.

In my mid 20′s I started considering breast reduction again. I had traded running for a yoga practice, mostly because my breast size was taxing my back when pounding the pavement. In this way, my big boobs were a gift that led me to my yoga practice. But whenever my back issues would flare up, I found myself thinking about the surgery again. My biggest fear in getting the surgery was that something would go wrong and I would not be able to breastfeed. I knew I wanted to have children one day, and that breastfeeding was important to me for the benefits it would have for my baby and me. One day after I had spent time journaling about the dilemna, I ran into a friend and her new baby shopping at Earthfare. I asked her how things were going, and she shared that she was struggling with breastfeeding because she had breast reduction surgery in her early 20′s. It was a sign from the Universe that calmed my breast reduction wonderings for awhile.

Fear led me to start considering breast reduction surgery again a couple of years ago. My husband and I were gearing up to have our first child, and I was afraid of the possible size of my breasts while I was pregnant and nursing, and afraid that they would be too big to breastfeed. This fear finally led me into the office of a plastic surgeon for a consultation, which was a horrible experience for me. I briefly met with the doctor and explained to him that my main reasons for considering the surgery were practical ones. I wanted relief from back pain and manageable breasts for my pregnancy/nursing experience. I also wanted information about the risks the surgery posed to breastfeeding. I explained that it was very awkward for me to be in his office, since my daily work involves encouraging women to accept and embrace their body, no matter the size or shape. He must not have been listening, because all he kept saying to me was that there was nothing wrong with having a perfect pair of breasts. He and the nurse left the office and told me to strip down to my underwear. The nurse came back in and stood me in front of a full length mirror while she took my measurements and drew lines on my breasts. She also circled other places she saw as “flawed” which I imagine was intended to drum up more surgery business. This process was so vulnerable and uncomfortable for me. When the doctor came in and started to explain my breasts’ flaws and what procedures he could do to perfect them, I became so angry and tearful. I put my clothes on in the middle of his spiel and left the office in a storm.

I am sure that there are plastic surgeons out there who are not like the one I saw and can tune in to the unique intentions of what brings a person into their office. And I am not saying that someday, after I have my babies, that I won’t reconsider breast reduction surgery. But this traumatic experience made me realize I was not ready to take a risk like breast reduction surgery before I had my babies.

So here I am with my 12 week old son. I am savoring the experience of breastfeeding. I love the moments when he pulls away from the breast, looks up at me, and his eyes light up while a huge smile comes across his face. Or when we are nursing in the bed, and his little arm gently lays across my breast when he finishes. These moments are so precious to me. I remember again the advice I received from Lacala Hall, and I know that man she was talking about, the one who would love my big breasts, that would be my little boy Joseph. And I am thankful for the functionality of these big ole boobs.

For your listening pleasure, here is Deidre Flint singing “The Boob Fairy”

Thanks for all the love and support during our nesting time.