Bikram class 4/5 and my inner Joe Moretto
Continuing on my journey to balance by seeking more of the masculine archetype in my life…
Although Bikram classes 4/5 were the exact same format, poses and languaging as the first 3 classes, they were very different experiences for me. The initial shock of the heat and detox process was starting to wear off, but I still felt such harshness in the practice. My mind was able to tune more into the languaging of the teacher… and much to my surprise, she wasn’t running the class like a boot camp, she’ wasn’t callously pushing people past their limits, she wasn’t commenting on poor form and “junk bodies” (a quote from the man, Bikram, that utterly offends me.) So I began to wonder… where was this experience of harshness coming from? And of course it didn’t take long to realize, it was my own mind, my inner Joe Moretto.
Joe Moretto was my junior high soccer coach when I played with the Huber Heights, Ohio Warriors Soccer Club. He was rough, callous, totally insenstive, and 100% masculine archetype. He had a daughter, Mary Moretto, who was the toughest girl I knew. She scared me, but she also scared our opponents, so that was good for our team. I loved playing soccer, but was not at all an aggressive player. Both my sisters were soccer players who started playing young, but I was hesitant because of the roughness. Soccer was in our family blood, so it was inevitable for me to start playing. But I was who I was, a sensitive girl, and when I’d get roughed up, I’d usually cry.
I’m reminded of Tom Hanks coach character in the women’s softball league movie A League of Their Own bellowing to one of his players, “There’s no crying in softball!” That was Joe Morreto trying to deal with me.
A childhood memory… a particularly physical soccer game… lots of pushing… yellow cards flying… half time… tears running down my face… Joe Moretto shouting at me, “You’ve got to toughen up!” as he’d push me down on the field, I’d get up, he’d push me down again, “Stop being a baby!” he’d yell, I’d get up, he’d push me down… more tears… then I started seeing red… and off the field I walked.
So here I am in the present, in my yoga class, and my inner Joe Moretto is cracking the whip. I have been practicing yoga for 10 years, and my practice constantly changes. In 2005 I had a mysterious infection that caused me to take antibiotics for 6 months. I was eventually diagnosed with a ureter/kidney infection, and surgery followed. After the surgery, I couldn’t even do a child’s pose without pain. I was toxic city from the antibiotics and the anesthesia. My yoga practice hasn’t been the same, and it has been hard on my ego! So at this point in the Bikram practice, I am face to face with those critical voices. Poses that at one time were natural and easy for me freak me out, make me feel sick, and just plain hurt. That old familiar voice, “Toughen up! Don’t be a baby!” begins to ring loud. It is the shadow side of the masculine archetype haunting my mind.
I say shadow side because of the lack of compassion in the voice. Although my experience with Joe Moretto was a little developmental trauma for me, it was also an experience that taught me a lot. His method was effective in that it helped me access my anger, my boundaries, and as much as I hate to admit it, to toughen up a bit. But again, here’s where the balance comes in… because I need the warrior of the masculine paired with the compassion of the feminine. It really does no good if I am all feminine on the outside, but all masculine inner voices. Developing mindfulness of this external/internal imbalance, I am able to bring some compassion into the places where the inner Joe Moretto fires up.
One final aside… speaking of all feminine on the outside… My body shape is pretty much a reflection of the feminine archetype as well… voluptuos, round belly, sizeable breasts. There are many poses in the Bikram series that are challenging to me due to pure anatomical reasons. It is obvious this series was developed by a man with not much variation for a woman’s curves. There is one particular pose, Dandayama Bibhaktapada Janushirsasana (standing separate leg head to knee pose), where you stand with one foot 3 feet in front of the other, tuck your chin in, arch your back, suck your stomach in and touch your head to your knee. In this pose I basically feel as if I am suffocating in my own cleavage. I can’t help but chuckle at the irony of this experience in the backdrop of exploring the masculine/feminine balance.
Until next time…
