Embodiment at 20 weeks
No more Bikram for a while. In November I was attending class and feeling even more nauseous than usual. Turns out… I was pregnant! Now this was extra exciting news for me as I was on a secret mission with the Bikram classes. I had heard from a few people that a surprise benefit of the hormonal balancing effect from the practice was increased fertility. Since my husband and I had been working on getting pregnant for about a year, I thought I’d take the Bikram challenge. Now that I am pregnant, I can confess! So these days it’s touchy- feely-get-in-touch-with-your-feminine-power pre-natal yoga for me.
The 1st trimester was rough. It was challenging for me to be fully present in myself when it meant facing chronic nausea and fatigue. My life consisted of going to work and coming home and sleeping. I did not have much energy for anything else. I struggled not to check out of my body to avoid the discomfort. But I knew that using this coping mechanism would have caused me to miss the process… so I did my best to stay present to the nausea. Despite all positive nutrition intentions, my sick tummy feeling was mainly soothed by a combo of Chik-fil-A lemonade and waffle fries- throwing the chicken sandwich in for good measure. I am convinced my baby is going to be coming out saying ‘Eat more chicken!’ With help from the wise women in my life who have taken this child growing journey before me, I learned in the 1st trimester you do what you have to do to make it through.
I started feeling better a few weeks into my 2nd trimester, and it was a welcome return. Now that I am here at 20 weeks, I am enjoying the embodiment of pregnancy. What a mystery and miracle that is happening inside me! This is a time where I feel no guilt responding to what my body is telling me it needs. I have been enjoying long afternoon naps and responding to my pregnancy cravings. I am embodying the mystery of creation, and I want to honor that mystery.
I love my belly and have been able to embrace the changes my body is experiencing. I know a lot of woman struggle with body image issues through this change. For me, it is making it even more clear that my body has such a divine purpose that is beyond size, shape, weight and objectification. It is truly liberating.
However, to be totally honest, it has been challenging to accept one part of my pregnancy body – my breasts. Now I know most women are excited about their breasts getting bigger during pregnancy. Not the case for me as I have already been blessed abundantly in that arena.
A funny thing happened at work one day that helped me to reframe my ever increasing breast experience…
I was leading a body image group where I instructed everyone to draw a picture of their bodies with their non-dominant hand and with eyes closed. They then had to describe different parts of themselves. One client made a comment about her ‘malformed mammaries, ‘ but somehow what I heard her say was ‘mouth-watering mammaries.’ First of all, I was so happy that she saw her breasts in such a positive light (not to mention the clever alliteration). Secondly, I told her how much I appreciated her view of her breasts personally. As I was grappling with my breasts growing with pregnancy, thinking about their function and the life they would soon be bringing to a little being helped me deal with any negative feelings about their growth. It was an aural Freudian slip for sure, and we all got a good laugh out of it. I have definitely reminded myself of mouth-watering mammaries whenever I feel their increasing heaviness effecting me physically, mentally or emotionally.
To mouth-watering mammaries!
