embody yourself

I love breastfeeding! It came as a surprise how challenging it was to get started. I expected the process of breastfeeding would come much more naturally. But despite the latching issues and sore nipples, I was determined… there was no way that I have carried around these breasts for 34 years of my life not to put them to use when the time came. How healing it has been for me to have the experience of breastfeeding my son… I am so grateful.

You see, I have boob issues. There is a hilarious song by Deirdre Flint called “The Boob Fairy.” She sings in the chorus, “The boob fairy never came for me.” But I fall into a different category… the boob fairy was obsessed with me! My husband says that the only person who cares how big my boobs are is me. And in a lot of ways, I know that this is true. However, I do have memories and experiences that prove otherwise.

I first started realizing my breasts were bigger than the norm my senior year of high school. I remember going shopping for prom dresses with my younger sister, and her comment that most of the dresses made me look as if the weight of my boobs would take me over flat on my face. My time for running a mile in soccer practice changed drastically that year; I could not break 8 minutes, where as the year before I had been running it in 6 minutes 30 seconds. I blamed it on my boobs. And playing co-ed softball… a friend let me in on a humiliating secret that the boys always let me get that first hit so they could see me run to first base. Huhhmmmmmpppffff… At that time I also started to encounter some of the big breasted women stereotypes like “the bigger the boobs the smaller the brain” and assumptions about big breasted women being easy.

My breasts got bigger and bigger and with every life transition it seemed I would go up a cup size. I first considered breast reduction surgery in college. My parents had purchased US savings bonds for my sisters and me and we were allowed to use the money for whatever we wanted once we hit college age. I contemplated using the money for breast reduction surgery. But Lacala Hall, a friend’s wise mother who was a big breasted woman herself, pulled me aside one afternoon and gave me some good advice. She said, “Someday, Heidi, you will find a man who will love your big breasts.” That advice helped me make the decision to use the money for an Outward Bound trip rather than a breast reduction surgery, which was a much better choice for the positive experience of self that I was seeking.

In my mid 20′s I started considering breast reduction again. I had traded running for a yoga practice, mostly because my breast size was taxing my back when pounding the pavement. In this way, my big boobs were a gift that led me to my yoga practice. But whenever my back issues would flare up, I found myself thinking about the surgery again. My biggest fear in getting the surgery was that something would go wrong and I would not be able to breastfeed. I knew I wanted to have children one day, and that breastfeeding was important to me for the benefits it would have for my baby and me. One day after I had spent time journaling about the dilemna, I ran into a friend and her new baby shopping at Earthfare. I asked her how things were going, and she shared that she was struggling with breastfeeding because she had breast reduction surgery in her early 20′s. It was a sign from the Universe that calmed my breast reduction wonderings for awhile.

Fear led me to start considering breast reduction surgery again a couple of years ago. My husband and I were gearing up to have our first child, and I was afraid of the possible size of my breasts while I was pregnant and nursing, and afraid that they would be too big to breastfeed. This fear finally led me into the office of a plastic surgeon for a consultation, which was a horrible experience for me. I briefly met with the doctor and explained to him that my main reasons for considering the surgery were practical ones. I wanted relief from back pain and manageable breasts for my pregnancy/nursing experience. I also wanted information about the risks the surgery posed to breastfeeding. I explained that it was very awkward for me to be in his office, since my daily work involves encouraging women to accept and embrace their body, no matter the size or shape. He must not have been listening, because all he kept saying to me was that there was nothing wrong with having a perfect pair of breasts. He and the nurse left the office and told me to strip down to my underwear. The nurse came back in and stood me in front of a full length mirror while she took my measurements and drew lines on my breasts. She also circled other places she saw as “flawed” which I imagine was intended to drum up more surgery business. This process was so vulnerable and uncomfortable for me. When the doctor came in and started to explain my breasts’ flaws and what procedures he could do to perfect them, I became so angry and tearful. I put my clothes on in the middle of his spiel and left the office in a storm.

I am sure that there are plastic surgeons out there who are not like the one I saw and can tune in to the unique intentions of what brings a person into their office. And I am not saying that someday, after I have my babies, that I won’t reconsider breast reduction surgery. But this traumatic experience made me realize I was not ready to take a risk like breast reduction surgery before I had my babies.

So here I am with my 12 week old son. I am savoring the experience of breastfeeding. I love the moments when he pulls away from the breast, looks up at me, and his eyes light up while a huge smile comes across his face. Or when we are nursing in the bed, and his little arm gently lays across my breast when he finishes. These moments are so precious to me. I remember again the advice I received from Lacala Hall, and I know that man she was talking about, the one who would love my big breasts, that would be my little boy Joseph. And I am thankful for the functionality of these big ole boobs.

For your listening pleasure, here is Deidre Flint singing “The Boob Fairy”